So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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