Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
