You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
True strength comes from lack of pants
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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