i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
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