I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Randomize
