atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize
