my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Randomize
