Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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