So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
