so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Randomize
