FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
