Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
