idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
