i just wanna soil my oats bro
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
