Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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