I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
