I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
