I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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