I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
