the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
