You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize