Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
