I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
