I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Couch. On fire.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
