Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
