It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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