I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
