where am i from again
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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