ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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