I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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