The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
