The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
