What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
