Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
