just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Randomize