Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize