I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
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