i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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