I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
