I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
3pm strippers are depressing
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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