she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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