You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
