My cat gives me a boner
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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