oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Randomize
