shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
A bitchslap is in order.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize