I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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