I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
