Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
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