if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
