If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
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