I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Randomize
