Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Randomize
