He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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