He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
