i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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