Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
