I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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