I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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