just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
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