She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Randomize