another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
last night I used snow as a chaser
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