My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
