i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
he laminated a picture of his dick.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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