Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
he was CRYING into my vagina
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
