Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
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