My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
